The Nicknamed: Kings among men.

I have achieved many of my goals throughout my life thus far. I have won a hotdog eating contest, learned to walk on my hands, and managed thus far not to die, just to name a few. But one thing has managed to elude me all of my life, possibly the most important thing…

Acquiring a cool and/or hilarious nickname.

Why not me? Is there something wrong with me? So many people have sweet nicknames that they just take for granted. I don’t know why it’s never happened for me, and the older I get I feel the less and less likely I am too receive one. I’m getting to the point where I’m honestly thinking about just giving up on it and moving on with my life.

It’s hard to determine how an awesome nickname comes about and manages to stick. For years scientists have tried tirelessly to figure it out. Some have even gone mad and taken their own lives in the process.

You can wear all the funny costumes you want, it doesn’t mean a thing. It’s like the harder you try, the less likely it is to happen. It can’t be forced, it has to happen organically. Even crapping your pants at a party, while dramatically increasing your odds of receiving a nickname, won’t fully ensure you getting one. Even if you do get a nickname out of that situation, having someone call you ‘Party Pooper’ at the club in front of a chick pretty well guarantees that she is gonna bone anybody but you.

In a study recently published by umm… oh let’s say NASA, it has been proven, and I quote:

“Dudes with badass nicknames increase their chances of picking up chicks by 40%, and an additional 20% on top of that if the nickname references the girth or robustness of ones hammer(male member).”

Little known fact, the 'F' in JFK, while thought by most to stand for his middle name, Fitzgerald, 

actually stood for 'Finisher', a nickname that was given to him by his drinking buddies who 
witnessed him time and time again, slay(figuratively, and actually once literally) women.

Overall on a scale of A-Z, I’d give nicknames a solid V. 

Ok, I know I said this blog would just be me reviewing stuff, and maybe this wasn't totally a 'review' per se, but I feel most will have found it to be very educational none the less.

Top 5 nicknames of people I know, in no particular order:

-2 Dads – This name was given to my friend Pat because he had a hyphenated last name and the only reason we could come up with for that was that he must have two gay dads.

Interesting fact: After years of being called 2 Dads, he pleaded for a new nickname, which he instantly regretted after briefly being renamed Tampon.

-Ryan ‘The Dick’ Nick – I don’t really remember how this one came about, maybe it was because it rhymed with his last name, or it could be due to the fact that we’d all been subjected to seeing his package on way too many occasions.

Interesting fact: Ryan has had more nicknames over the years than any other person I have ever met. Some he was given, some he bestowed upon himself. Here are just some of the ones I can remember off the top of my head: Crap, Tin Soldier, Gremlin, Usher, Three Dog Night, R-Diddy, Taco, Fuckface, Frank Sinatra, and Teddybear Head.

-Larry – I didn’t learn for years after having met him, that Larry’s real name isn’t Larry, it’s Kyle. Larry isn’t even his middle name; it’s strictly a nickname.

-Bort – Despite the obviously awesome Simpsons reference, Bort is a great nickname because her real name is Allison, not even close to Bort.

Interesting fact: Here is the formula for turning an Allison into a Bort:

Allison = Al = Albert = Bert = Bort. Nicknames that require at least four steps to reach are automatically sweet.

-Bronald and Kenjamin – Real names: Bryan and Kenneth. I don’t know how these nicknames came about, nor do I have any interesting facts about them, I just think they are fun to say.