Water Fountain: The Blog Post.

The best part about attending the Red River College campus downtown, besides the interesting(homeless) people you get to see sleeping on the couches and washing themselves in the bathroom, is a little oasis I like to call the third floor water fountain.

She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts.

Unlike the first floor water fountain, which dribbles out water like it has a swollen prostate, the third floor fountain bursts forth with the exuberance of a 14-year-old boy whose parents are gone for the weekend.

This fountain boasts an impressive eight inch vertical, allowing the drinkers mouth to remain a safe distance from the spout, which is crucial given the aforementioned infestation of filthy downtown homeless peoples.

    Pictured here is the third floor water fountain confidently spraying a consistent stream of refreshing H2O, while the water bottle refill tap watches with feelings of inadequacy.

                                       
While this fountain warrants a visit based on it's impressive projection alone, that is not its only draw. Like the Bo Jackson of fountains, it has two talents. The second talent being it's perfectly cold temperature.

Bo Jackson seen here celebrating after scoring the game winning touchdown of the 1991 Tecmo SuperBowl. He would later stand trial for accusations of using cheat codes.

It's like drinking Jack Frost's piss, which for the sake of this analogy is refreshing and not pissy tasting.

Ok, bad analogy.

I'll say it's more like drinking Jack Frost's tears, after a SUPER bad break up. He didn't even see it coming, he thought things were totally fine, he was actually thinking of asking her to move in with him. So naturally he didn't handle the break up well at all and he's been crying like a LOT! But then the tears got ran through an extensive filtration system to get rid of the salt, but have still somehow retained their coldness through all of this.

Yeah, it's like drinking that!

If I had to choose between drinking from Red River's third floor water fountain or not drinking from it, assuming I am thirsty at the time I would definitely choose to drink from it.

I give this water fountain an A, for awesome. I would have given it an A+, but I can only drink from it when I'm at school which does nothing for my thirst when I'm at home or abroad.

My Homely Home - Part 3.

Welcome to the third and final installment of my apartment review series. I hope you enjoyed reading about it far more than I enjoy living in it!

Okay, when we last left off we were just finishing up in the grandiose family room. Let’s take a left back into the corridor. Pay no mind to the feline that has once again jumped onto your leg and pierced your skin with her claws. Simply shake her off as you string together a series of obscenities and she will immediately scamper off.

Here is a picture of my cat, Billy. She looks mellow, but

she's probably just tired from scratching up everything in 

our apartment then climbing up on the kitchen shelf to

knock the salt and pepper shakers behind the fridge where 
I can't reach them. Billy, I hope you read this, you dick.

After walking for what I imagine seems like forever, but is actually only about four feet, take your first left. You’ll find yourself in the foyer of the lavatory. The first thing you may notice is the intriguing aroma. The fragrance you smell is that of a week and a half of cat feculence in the litter box located on the floor to your left. If you happened to have hung any coats made of particularly scent-absorbent materials on the hook directly above the litter box you may be savoring that smell later on.

Well let us carry on because the bathroom boasts more even more features than just rancid cat shit! Give the door a decent push to get it over the large patch of masking tape that covers the section of floor where the vinyl was ripped up. Don’t worry about closing it behind you because the master bathroom doesn’t emphasize privacy. This is due to the door frame being so shifted that the latch doesn’t catch when it shuts.

Do you enjoy shaving in the kitchen? If you answered “YES” or “What the Hell?” to the previous question, then this is the apartment suite for you. With no electrical outlet located in or anywhere near the bathroom, you get to(have to) take your grooming on the road! And shaving in the kitchen is just the first stop. Maybe the misses will make a little stop over in the bedroom for a tryst with the curling iron? Or maybe she wants to straighten that shit out in the hallway. It’s like going on an adventure every day!

Here is my girlfriend in our bathroom, pretending to

be pregnant. However, at this point in our lives we

just weren't ready to pretend to be parents. After

MANY long and difficult conversations we decided

our only option was to have a pretend abortion.

 As we exit the lavatory, in case you used the toilet be sure to hold down the flush lever for roughly 10 second, otherwise you’ll be in for a nice treat waiting for you the next time you visit the facilities.

*Spoiler alert: it’ll be your poo.

All right, out we go. On our way back to the hallway you may noti-- Oh would you look at that, the cat is squeezing out a little turd just for you. She’s looking at you. Don’t break eye contact or else you’ll just give her the power. Once she’s done just keep moving.

**OK, that should be the last mention of feces in this blog post. There’s like a 90% chance that we won’t come across any more fecal matter in the apartment.

Continue down the hall until you reach the end and take a left into the master bedroom.

The first things you’ll notice are the beautiful ultramarine walls. These dark blue walls combined with the lack of light from being in a basement give tenants that much sought after illusion of drowning, that makes falling asleep a breeze. 

Oh, I probably should have mentioned when you came into the room to avoid the urge to flick that "light switch" because it is actually a power switch for the whole room and will reset your alarm clock. Although, even if you don't flick the switch there's a good chance the cat will unplug the cord from the wall while you sleep anyways. 

But don't fret over accidentally sleeping in, because much like the living room, the bedroom has it’s own built in alarm clock. Every morning at about 8a.m. you’ll be awoken by the shrill screams and swears of an exasperated mother blaring through the ceiling from the floor above.

I guess SOMEHOW staying up playing obnoxiously loud video games until all hours of the night, annoying the shit out of me, leaves the child too tired to wake up in time for school.

The boudoir’s best feature is definitely the queen-sized bed, which is large enough for even the biggest of queens to sleep comfortably. Its sizable dark cedar headboard not only looks beautiful, but also does an excellent job of covering the mold patches that seem to be growing on the rooms rear wall.

If you look under the bed you'll find cardboard stand ups of the Incredible Hulk, Darth Vader, and a Tuscan Raider, waiting patiently for the day when they will once again be displayed proudly in a larger home.

 

Well that's probably just about everything I need to say about my apartment. It may seem like I'm complaining and that everything sucks, but  actually been pretty good to me. It's a decent little apartment. A decently shitty little turd of an apartment.

*That last line doesn't count as mentioning poo, since it was an analogy.

Though you can't spell analogy without "anal". Think about THAT!

...but don't think about it too hard or you'll probably realize it makes absolutely no sense, and that this is just a lame incoherent and rambly end to an equally long-winded and nonsensical blog post.

Overall I would give my apartment a 8.5 out of 10. 

As in you have an 8.5 out of 10 chance of contracting lung cancer from the asbestos that surely dwells in every corner of my home.

As far as livability, well that's probably closer to a 10. ...out of 100.

My Homely Home - Part 2.

Alright, if you weren’t impressed with the sprawling yard and beautiful kitchenette why don’t we just continue on around the corner to the hallway. Don’t be alarmed if a cat that jumps out at your leg as soon as you turn the corner. She may seem a bit wild, but she is limited edition, a real collector’s piece.

Oh, I see you’ve noticed the skylight. In a basement apartment suite you say? Why yes. Frequent leaks in water pipes offer the perfect opportunity for “interior decorators” to enter the apartment and tastefully open up the ceiling every couple of months, exposing the elegantly rusted pipes and miscellany of patchwork repairs done over the years.

Here is one of the semi-annual ceiling modifications. 

I feel it gives the apartment that 'dilapidated crack den' 

look that is so hot right now. During this particular reno

we actually discovered what we believe to be a tiny 

mouse-sized meth lab amongst the pipes.

Take your first left in the hallway and you’ll enter the family room. Now I know what you’re thinking, “just how many families is this room made for, it’s HUGE!” The room boasts enough square footage to fit a small loveseat that can sit upwards of TWO average-sized people, a desk, a coffee table, and a television, with several feet of standing room left over.

Be careful not to get TOO comfortable as you try to squeeze two people onto that tiny leather loveseat to watch Married with Children DVD’s, because eventually you may have to get up and empty the drip can. What is a drip can? An added bonus and a true veteran of the building’s rich history, this heirloom aluminum can (heirluminum) hangs from the 1,000,000˚ radiator affixed to the ceiling of the family room, proudly collecting drops of condensation.

If you somehow fall asleep on the loveseat, despite it being almost physically impossible since it is the size of a pack of playing cards, don’t worry about accidentally sleeping too long because this room comes equipped with an alarm clock. Well not an “alarm clock” per se… More like an exceptionally horrible teenage boy who likes to play video games at an alarming volume at all hours of the night, all the while swearing at the top of his lungs with every breath and inexplicably stomping his feet. Perhaps this child actually has Coprolalia(often wrongfully confused with Tourette's Syndrome), the condition which makes one uncontrollably shout obscene and derogatory remarks, though I feel it's more likely that he suffers from being really brutal at video games. As a tenant in this apartment suite you get the enjoyment and/or excruciatingly stressful experience of playing video games all day and night without even having to own or play the games yourself!

You’re probably wondering what’s up with the closet door and doorways being all askew? Well the unorthodox angles on the corners of these doors and frames are a part of the circus funhouse motif that is present in the living room and throughout most of the apartment suite. Though it doesn’t say anything about it in the lease, I’ve come to the conclusion that since the building was built in the oh let's say late 1800’s, when PT Barnum and his travelling circus were all the rage, the building’s architects must have decided to capitalize on the circus trend with this chic funhouse design. Either that or an exceptionally drunk and visually impaired carpenter was employed for the job with only a hacksaw at his disposal. Either way, these obtusely angled doorways act as wonderful conversation pieces. I  have personally enjoyed a variety of conversations beginning with inquiries about them such as, "Hey, why are your doorways so shitty?" and "Jesus, these doorways are really built like big pieces of shit."

 

Next time in the third and final installment of this series we'll take a look at the bathroom and the bedroom. In one of these rooms poos happen, but you'll have to wait find out which one!

My Homely Home - Part 1.

Today will be the first installment in a series of posts reviewing my apartment.

In order to make this apartment review interesting, I made sure six years ago to move into a quaint little basement apartment suite. Yeah, I like to think ahead. Enjoy.

 

This lovely character suite is located just off of Winnipeg’s charming “Little Italy”, Corydon Avenue.

If you stumble down the alluring back alley, past the dumpster and take a right into a skinnier, darker back alley, you’ll come up on the entrance to the suite. Now the first thing you’ll notice before entering the apartment is the creaky wooden outdoor stairwell you have to go down that just screams old world craftsmanship, and also rape. 

                                                      (Even the most discriminating of tastes will be enchanted by the
                                                      hand-built elegance of this beautiful wooden staircase, and the 
                                                      unmistakable sense of horrendous unlawful confinement that just 
                                                      emanates from this cellar.)

Before heading inside be sure to take a moment to appreciate the discarded old barbecue under the stairs. With it’s rusty exterior accented with bird feces, this Q is any collector’s dream. 

                                                               For sale: Near mint condition 1982 Broil King. Comes 
                                                               complete with moldy old tarp seen here and several 
                                                               dead mice(not pictured). No propane tank. I will also 
                                                               throw in a lightly used shovel and 15 foot length of rope.
                                                               Asking $2300 OBO. Call between 2-3a.m. ask for big Steve.

But enough about the yard, let’s head inside!

Don’t be alarmed when you try to open the screen door and find that it hits the ground, leaving only about 13 inches to squeeze through. That’s simply part of the ever-shifting foundation that makes this 100-year-old building such a treasure! The same goes for the wooden inside door. As a free little bonus these shifting doors act as great incentive to eat healthier and shed some of those unsightly pounds and inches in order to be able to enter your own home.

Once you’ve squeezed your way inside, you’ll find yourself in the kitchenette. Though a bit much at first glance, sprawling ten’s of cubic feet, it’s actually not so overwhelming once you get used to it.

Let’s start with the breakfast nook. It supports a FOUR-slot toaster, multiple boxes of cereal, and several bags of stale bread-ends with ease.

If you’re not already impressed with the Kitchen, the two and a half cupboards should pretty much seal it for you. When the “antique” doors aren’t sticking shut, you’ll see that these cupboards are spacious enough to allow even the most extravagant of 55-year-old divorcees to store upwards of a dozen aluminum cans of food, and enough dishes to prepare and serve a one course meal to themselves.

Before you go and prepare that mouth-watering and in no way sad meal by yourself, don’t be afraid to disarm the smoke detector, because the oven doesn’t mind putting on a bit of a smoke show pretty well any time you cook anything. You may think you’re only going to enjoy that No Name brand pizza pop tonight, but your nostrils will be soaking up that delicious smoky smell for days. 

Stay tuned for my next post when we venture into the hallway and living room where (SPOILER ALERT) a handful of goldfish, and also one betta fish, have met their untimely end.

The Nicknamed: Kings among men.

I have achieved many of my goals throughout my life thus far. I have won a hotdog eating contest, learned to walk on my hands, and managed thus far not to die, just to name a few. But one thing has managed to elude me all of my life, possibly the most important thing…

Acquiring a cool and/or hilarious nickname.

Why not me? Is there something wrong with me? So many people have sweet nicknames that they just take for granted. I don’t know why it’s never happened for me, and the older I get I feel the less and less likely I am too receive one. I’m getting to the point where I’m honestly thinking about just giving up on it and moving on with my life.

It’s hard to determine how an awesome nickname comes about and manages to stick. For years scientists have tried tirelessly to figure it out. Some have even gone mad and taken their own lives in the process.

You can wear all the funny costumes you want, it doesn’t mean a thing. It’s like the harder you try, the less likely it is to happen. It can’t be forced, it has to happen organically. Even crapping your pants at a party, while dramatically increasing your odds of receiving a nickname, won’t fully ensure you getting one. Even if you do get a nickname out of that situation, having someone call you ‘Party Pooper’ at the club in front of a chick pretty well guarantees that she is gonna bone anybody but you.

In a study recently published by umm… oh let’s say NASA, it has been proven, and I quote:

“Dudes with badass nicknames increase their chances of picking up chicks by 40%, and an additional 20% on top of that if the nickname references the girth or robustness of ones hammer(male member).”

Little known fact, the 'F' in JFK, while thought by most to stand for his middle name, Fitzgerald, 

actually stood for 'Finisher', a nickname that was given to him by his drinking buddies who 
witnessed him time and time again, slay(figuratively, and actually once literally) women.

Overall on a scale of A-Z, I’d give nicknames a solid V. 

Ok, I know I said this blog would just be me reviewing stuff, and maybe this wasn't totally a 'review' per se, but I feel most will have found it to be very educational none the less.

Top 5 nicknames of people I know, in no particular order:

-2 Dads – This name was given to my friend Pat because he had a hyphenated last name and the only reason we could come up with for that was that he must have two gay dads.

Interesting fact: After years of being called 2 Dads, he pleaded for a new nickname, which he instantly regretted after briefly being renamed Tampon.

-Ryan ‘The Dick’ Nick – I don’t really remember how this one came about, maybe it was because it rhymed with his last name, or it could be due to the fact that we’d all been subjected to seeing his package on way too many occasions.

Interesting fact: Ryan has had more nicknames over the years than any other person I have ever met. Some he was given, some he bestowed upon himself. Here are just some of the ones I can remember off the top of my head: Crap, Tin Soldier, Gremlin, Usher, Three Dog Night, R-Diddy, Taco, Fuckface, Frank Sinatra, and Teddybear Head.

-Larry – I didn’t learn for years after having met him, that Larry’s real name isn’t Larry, it’s Kyle. Larry isn’t even his middle name; it’s strictly a nickname.

-Bort – Despite the obviously awesome Simpsons reference, Bort is a great nickname because her real name is Allison, not even close to Bort.

Interesting fact: Here is the formula for turning an Allison into a Bort:

Allison = Al = Albert = Bert = Bort. Nicknames that require at least four steps to reach are automatically sweet.

-Bronald and Kenjamin – Real names: Bryan and Kenneth. I don’t know how these nicknames came about, nor do I have any interesting facts about them, I just think they are fun to say.

Golden Globes: The Not-Oscars.

For this, my first review, I thought I would review last night's Golden Globe awards show! What a fabulous affair full of Hollywood's movers and shakers. Makes me feel giddy just thinking about it.

Oh, by the way, I should probably mention that I didn't actually watch a second of the Golden Globes, nor did I even know they were happening. I was way too busy watching I Now Pronounce you Chuck & Larry on Netflix, which according to my very extensive research, got nominated for an impressive eight Razzies in 2008, but to my knowledge received not one Golden Globe or Oscar nom. Pffssh, all politics.

Anyways, don't let my complete lack of "watching the show" make you question the credibility of my Golden Globes review. I watched a large portion of a poor quality broadcast of the Marilyn Denis show on CTV today during which they covered the awards show and I'm pretty sure I got the gist of it. Though I should probably also mention that I was in the midst of a two mile run on a treadmill while watching the show. Come on, give me a bit of credit, I wasn't just sitting at home and watching that by choice? You know if I had my way, I'd be watching GH or Days, fool!

For those who don't know what the Marilyn Denis show is, much like myself prior to today's viewing, it's a daytime talk show hosted by an old lady, and is focused mostly on pant suits and eating plain Greek yogurt to cut down on your fat intake.. It's basically your retired 58-year-old aunt's favorite show. On this particular episode, she had three other women with her to dissect the previous night's award show.

First off, J-Lo, get over Ben. He's got a new 'nifer these days, they gots kids, he's ain't coming back to you! Quit trying to strut your stuff on that red carpet to remind him of what he had. And I mean at least don't doing it wearing lace? That shit is SO played in Hollywood lately. Can I get a hell yeah, Marilyn?

Pfft, whatevs Mar.

Moving along... Anne Hathaway is that a tiny little baby bump we see? Well if it is, you still look good child. And we won't be surprised if we see a lot more ladies rocking their hair short in the coming months cause of you. You're like the new Natalie Portman, except way less hot, smart, and not as good at acting. But you WERE in The Dark Knight Rises, and I mean people TOTALLY would have cared if your character wasn't in that movie at all. I mean some people might have cared... Oh dude, your mom would DEFINITELY probably have cared if you weren't in it, I imagine.

That Jodie Foster seemed a bit out there at them awards, hey? She was acting like she was into girls. Ha, I know right? Hey Jodi, girls like boys, not other girls! You crazy, Jo. Yo Jo, 'member when you were in Taxi Driver?? You were only 14 then but you still look pretty much the same today and you're like 71. Shoot, if I can look like a 14 year old girl when I'm that old, right on. I wonder if during the filming of Taxi Driver the crew had to keep young Jodie Foster quarantined or blindfolded or something when she wasn't on set, so as not to see Harvey Keitel's dong? Man, that guy loves showing his package in movies. I wonder if he's stoked that 'dropping trough on film' is like HIS thing? He must be. You think he ever gets jealous when he watches movies and dudes show their dong more than him? I heard that Harvey Keitel was cast to voice the genie in Aladdin but they eventually had to cut him cause he kept taking his pants off when they were recording and creeping out Steve from Fullhouse. You know Steve, DJ's boyf. Well he was Aladdin, get learned. That's why it was so clever that he dressed up as Aladdin on that episode of Fullhouse when they went to Disneyland, cause it was like a metaphor for... Aladdin! Or a double entendrendo..uen..doo....

That last part about Aladdin probably isn't true. I mean it might be? But since I just made it up, it's probably not. I mean Steve voicing Aladdin is true, just probably not the Harvey K dink part.

Alright, well I think that pretty much sums up the Golden Globes.

I give the awards show 7 out 23 stars. Possibly could have scored higher, but I honestly wasn't paying very close attention to the Marilyn recap, as there was a 250 pound dude with neck tattoos lifting weights right in front of me at the time, and I feel if he knew I was actually watching the menopausal-geared programming, he might have just swallowed me whole. So there was that, and two miles is a lot of running for someone who is probably on maybe the fifth workout of their entire lives, so my exhaustion definitely hurt the G-Globes on the scoreboard.

*Oh yeah, I just remembered that I caught a glimpse of Ben Affleck on stage giving what I imagine was an acceptance speech, so maybe he won something? What I do know, thanks to Mar and her gal pals, was that Ben looked hot. Maybe it was an award for that? 'Most hottest dude'.

"You like apples? Well I got a Golden Globe, how you like them apples?" Ha, right Ben??

Yeah I know it was Damon who said that, but Ben helped write that friggin' movie, so he has joint custody of the quote and can use it every second weekend and on some holidays, so you can just go shut up somewhere forever!

Ben should just give his award to Bruce Willis anyways. I mean it's the LEAST he could do after Bruce sacrificed his own life to save Ben up on that asteroid. Never forget...

Bruce Willis, shown here bravely saving America, and I guess the rest of
the world from a terrorist asteroid bent on destroying freedom, and Earth.

Blog version 2.awesome

New year, new gat dang blog!

No more messing around. This time around things are gonna be way mo' better'er!

Unlike my last attempt at a blog, this one will have way more substance and consistency, like a delicious bowl of clam chowder. Though instead of being served in a bread bowl, it will be served in a bowl of friggin' awesome and seasoned with a sprinkle of insight, and a dash of radical opinion.

I have decided my reincarnated blog needs a theme, something to tie together the incoherence. So I thought for awhile of some possible concepts that weren't very good, then I thought of all the brutal blogs out there on the interweb and how I didn't want mine to be crappy.

Then it hit me, like a really tiny and impotent lightening bolt. Why not just do the thing that I can't help but do anyways?

Criticize the shit out of stuff!

So that's what my blog is gonna do. I know what you're all thinking(yeah that's right, all one of you guys reading this), you're thinking, "oh yeah, the world TOTALLY needs another dude to offer his bullshit review of movies and restaurants," well that's where this blog is different. Here at tylergeurts.blogspot.com we don't review movies, restaurants, books, plays, or any of that stuff. We leave that to the stuffy and unimaginative, we'll handle everything else.

*DISCLAIMER: Sometimes we might also refer to our self as "we" when in fact "we" are just one sad, petty, and over-critical individual.

I will be offering my opinions and official(unofficial) rankings on anything and everything I feel like.

For example I may opt to review the pair of socks I'm wearing that day, then the next time review my cat(and Billy if you're reading this, if I come home and find a turd on the floor that is an automatic 0 out of 10!)
I'm not even limiting this blog to tangible, physical things. Maybe I'll choose to review the color purple or the breeze that day? Who knows, I don't even know! What I do know is that I promise to deliver the straight shit, pull no punches. Hey, I'm sorry if you only score a 3 out of 10, homeless guy washing himself in the college bathroom sink, but I calls 'em like I sees 'em!

So stay tuned! ...or don't, whatever.

But seriously do check back, cause it is gonna be friggin' awesome!

...unless you are my shower, in which case you're probably not gonna like what you read. I mean come on, learn how to drain you loser!