For this, my first review, I thought I would review last night's Golden Globe awards show! What a fabulous affair full of Hollywood's movers and shakers. Makes me feel giddy just thinking about it.
Oh, by the way, I should probably mention that I didn't actually watch a second of the Golden Globes, nor did I even know they were happening. I was way too busy watching I Now Pronounce you Chuck & Larry on Netflix, which according to my very extensive research, got nominated for an impressive eight Razzies in 2008, but to my knowledge received not one Golden Globe or Oscar nom. Pffssh, all politics.
Anyways, don't let my complete lack of "watching the show" make you question the credibility of my Golden Globes review. I watched a large portion of a poor quality broadcast of the Marilyn Denis show on CTV today during which they covered the awards show and I'm pretty sure I got the gist of it. Though I should probably also mention that I was in the midst of a two mile run on a treadmill while watching the show. Come on, give me a bit of credit, I wasn't just sitting at home and watching that by choice? You know if I had my way, I'd be watching GH or Days, fool!
For those who don't know what the Marilyn Denis show is, much like myself prior to today's viewing, it's a daytime talk show hosted by an old lady, and is focused mostly on pant suits and eating plain Greek yogurt to cut down on your fat intake.. It's basically your retired 58-year-old aunt's favorite show. On this particular episode, she had three other women with her to dissect the previous night's award show.
First off, J-Lo, get over Ben. He's got a new 'nifer these days, they gots kids, he's ain't coming back to you! Quit trying to strut your stuff on that red carpet to remind him of what he had. And I mean at least don't doing it wearing lace? That shit is SO played in Hollywood lately. Can I get a hell yeah, Marilyn?
Pfft, whatevs Mar.
Moving along... Anne Hathaway is that a tiny little baby bump we see? Well if it is, you still look good child. And we won't be surprised if we see a lot more ladies rocking their hair short in the coming months cause of you. You're like the new Natalie Portman, except way less hot, smart, and not as good at acting. But you WERE in The Dark Knight Rises, and I mean people TOTALLY would have cared if your character wasn't in that movie at all. I mean some people might have cared... Oh dude, your mom would DEFINITELY probably have cared if you weren't in it, I imagine.
That Jodie Foster seemed a bit out there at them awards, hey? She was acting like she was into girls. Ha, I know right? Hey Jodi, girls like boys, not other girls! You crazy, Jo. Yo Jo, 'member when you were in Taxi Driver?? You were only 14 then but you still look pretty much the same today and you're like 71. Shoot, if I can look like a 14 year old girl when I'm that old, right on. I wonder if during the filming of Taxi Driver the crew had to keep young Jodie Foster quarantined or blindfolded or something when she wasn't on set, so as not to see Harvey Keitel's dong? Man, that guy loves showing his package in movies. I wonder if he's stoked that 'dropping trough on film' is like HIS thing? He must be. You think he ever gets jealous when he watches movies and dudes show their dong more than him? I heard that Harvey Keitel was cast to voice the genie in Aladdin but they eventually had to cut him cause he kept taking his pants off when they were recording and creeping out Steve from Fullhouse. You know Steve, DJ's boyf. Well he was Aladdin, get learned. That's why it was so clever that he dressed up as Aladdin on that episode of Fullhouse when they went to Disneyland, cause it was like a metaphor for... Aladdin! Or a double entendrendo..uen..doo....
That last part about Aladdin probably isn't true. I mean it might be? But since I just made it up, it's probably not. I mean Steve voicing Aladdin is true, just probably not the Harvey K dink part.
Alright, well I think that pretty much sums up the Golden Globes.
I give the awards show 7 out 23 stars. Possibly could have scored higher, but I honestly wasn't paying very close attention to the Marilyn recap, as there was a 250 pound dude with neck tattoos lifting weights right in front of me at the time, and I feel if he knew I was actually watching the menopausal-geared programming, he might have just swallowed me whole. So there was that, and two miles is a lot of running for someone who is probably on maybe the fifth workout of their entire lives, so my exhaustion definitely hurt the G-Globes on the scoreboard.
*Oh yeah, I just remembered that I caught a glimpse of Ben Affleck on stage giving what I imagine was an acceptance speech, so maybe he won something? What I do know, thanks to Mar and her gal pals, was that Ben looked hot. Maybe it was an award for that? 'Most hottest dude'.
"You like apples? Well I got a Golden Globe, how you like them apples?" Ha, right Ben??
Yeah I know it was Damon who said that, but Ben helped write that friggin' movie, so he has joint custody of the quote and can use it every second weekend and on some holidays, so you can just go shut up somewhere forever!
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| Bruce Willis, shown here bravely saving America, and I guess the rest of the world from a terrorist asteroid bent on destroying freedom, and Earth. |
Makes a lot of sense.
ReplyDeleteYah what was J-Lo thinking?! And Jodie Foster is awesome don't diss that lady.
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