My Homely Home - Part 2.

Alright, if you weren’t impressed with the sprawling yard and beautiful kitchenette why don’t we just continue on around the corner to the hallway. Don’t be alarmed if a cat that jumps out at your leg as soon as you turn the corner. She may seem a bit wild, but she is limited edition, a real collector’s piece.

Oh, I see you’ve noticed the skylight. In a basement apartment suite you say? Why yes. Frequent leaks in water pipes offer the perfect opportunity for “interior decorators” to enter the apartment and tastefully open up the ceiling every couple of months, exposing the elegantly rusted pipes and miscellany of patchwork repairs done over the years.

Here is one of the semi-annual ceiling modifications. 

I feel it gives the apartment that 'dilapidated crack den' 

look that is so hot right now. During this particular reno

we actually discovered what we believe to be a tiny 

mouse-sized meth lab amongst the pipes.

Take your first left in the hallway and you’ll enter the family room. Now I know what you’re thinking, “just how many families is this room made for, it’s HUGE!” The room boasts enough square footage to fit a small loveseat that can sit upwards of TWO average-sized people, a desk, a coffee table, and a television, with several feet of standing room left over.

Be careful not to get TOO comfortable as you try to squeeze two people onto that tiny leather loveseat to watch Married with Children DVD’s, because eventually you may have to get up and empty the drip can. What is a drip can? An added bonus and a true veteran of the building’s rich history, this heirloom aluminum can (heirluminum) hangs from the 1,000,000˚ radiator affixed to the ceiling of the family room, proudly collecting drops of condensation.

If you somehow fall asleep on the loveseat, despite it being almost physically impossible since it is the size of a pack of playing cards, don’t worry about accidentally sleeping too long because this room comes equipped with an alarm clock. Well not an “alarm clock” per se… More like an exceptionally horrible teenage boy who likes to play video games at an alarming volume at all hours of the night, all the while swearing at the top of his lungs with every breath and inexplicably stomping his feet. Perhaps this child actually has Coprolalia(often wrongfully confused with Tourette's Syndrome), the condition which makes one uncontrollably shout obscene and derogatory remarks, though I feel it's more likely that he suffers from being really brutal at video games. As a tenant in this apartment suite you get the enjoyment and/or excruciatingly stressful experience of playing video games all day and night without even having to own or play the games yourself!

You’re probably wondering what’s up with the closet door and doorways being all askew? Well the unorthodox angles on the corners of these doors and frames are a part of the circus funhouse motif that is present in the living room and throughout most of the apartment suite. Though it doesn’t say anything about it in the lease, I’ve come to the conclusion that since the building was built in the oh let's say late 1800’s, when PT Barnum and his travelling circus were all the rage, the building’s architects must have decided to capitalize on the circus trend with this chic funhouse design. Either that or an exceptionally drunk and visually impaired carpenter was employed for the job with only a hacksaw at his disposal. Either way, these obtusely angled doorways act as wonderful conversation pieces. I  have personally enjoyed a variety of conversations beginning with inquiries about them such as, "Hey, why are your doorways so shitty?" and "Jesus, these doorways are really built like big pieces of shit."

 

Next time in the third and final installment of this series we'll take a look at the bathroom and the bedroom. In one of these rooms poos happen, but you'll have to wait find out which one!

My Homely Home - Part 1.

Today will be the first installment in a series of posts reviewing my apartment.

In order to make this apartment review interesting, I made sure six years ago to move into a quaint little basement apartment suite. Yeah, I like to think ahead. Enjoy.

 

This lovely character suite is located just off of Winnipeg’s charming “Little Italy”, Corydon Avenue.

If you stumble down the alluring back alley, past the dumpster and take a right into a skinnier, darker back alley, you’ll come up on the entrance to the suite. Now the first thing you’ll notice before entering the apartment is the creaky wooden outdoor stairwell you have to go down that just screams old world craftsmanship, and also rape. 

                                                      (Even the most discriminating of tastes will be enchanted by the
                                                      hand-built elegance of this beautiful wooden staircase, and the 
                                                      unmistakable sense of horrendous unlawful confinement that just 
                                                      emanates from this cellar.)

Before heading inside be sure to take a moment to appreciate the discarded old barbecue under the stairs. With it’s rusty exterior accented with bird feces, this Q is any collector’s dream. 

                                                               For sale: Near mint condition 1982 Broil King. Comes 
                                                               complete with moldy old tarp seen here and several 
                                                               dead mice(not pictured). No propane tank. I will also 
                                                               throw in a lightly used shovel and 15 foot length of rope.
                                                               Asking $2300 OBO. Call between 2-3a.m. ask for big Steve.

But enough about the yard, let’s head inside!

Don’t be alarmed when you try to open the screen door and find that it hits the ground, leaving only about 13 inches to squeeze through. That’s simply part of the ever-shifting foundation that makes this 100-year-old building such a treasure! The same goes for the wooden inside door. As a free little bonus these shifting doors act as great incentive to eat healthier and shed some of those unsightly pounds and inches in order to be able to enter your own home.

Once you’ve squeezed your way inside, you’ll find yourself in the kitchenette. Though a bit much at first glance, sprawling ten’s of cubic feet, it’s actually not so overwhelming once you get used to it.

Let’s start with the breakfast nook. It supports a FOUR-slot toaster, multiple boxes of cereal, and several bags of stale bread-ends with ease.

If you’re not already impressed with the Kitchen, the two and a half cupboards should pretty much seal it for you. When the “antique” doors aren’t sticking shut, you’ll see that these cupboards are spacious enough to allow even the most extravagant of 55-year-old divorcees to store upwards of a dozen aluminum cans of food, and enough dishes to prepare and serve a one course meal to themselves.

Before you go and prepare that mouth-watering and in no way sad meal by yourself, don’t be afraid to disarm the smoke detector, because the oven doesn’t mind putting on a bit of a smoke show pretty well any time you cook anything. You may think you’re only going to enjoy that No Name brand pizza pop tonight, but your nostrils will be soaking up that delicious smoky smell for days. 

Stay tuned for my next post when we venture into the hallway and living room where (SPOILER ALERT) a handful of goldfish, and also one betta fish, have met their untimely end.