My Homely Home - Part 2.

Alright, if you weren’t impressed with the sprawling yard and beautiful kitchenette why don’t we just continue on around the corner to the hallway. Don’t be alarmed if a cat that jumps out at your leg as soon as you turn the corner. She may seem a bit wild, but she is limited edition, a real collector’s piece.

Oh, I see you’ve noticed the skylight. In a basement apartment suite you say? Why yes. Frequent leaks in water pipes offer the perfect opportunity for “interior decorators” to enter the apartment and tastefully open up the ceiling every couple of months, exposing the elegantly rusted pipes and miscellany of patchwork repairs done over the years.

Here is one of the semi-annual ceiling modifications. 

I feel it gives the apartment that 'dilapidated crack den' 

look that is so hot right now. During this particular reno

we actually discovered what we believe to be a tiny 

mouse-sized meth lab amongst the pipes.

Take your first left in the hallway and you’ll enter the family room. Now I know what you’re thinking, “just how many families is this room made for, it’s HUGE!” The room boasts enough square footage to fit a small loveseat that can sit upwards of TWO average-sized people, a desk, a coffee table, and a television, with several feet of standing room left over.

Be careful not to get TOO comfortable as you try to squeeze two people onto that tiny leather loveseat to watch Married with Children DVD’s, because eventually you may have to get up and empty the drip can. What is a drip can? An added bonus and a true veteran of the building’s rich history, this heirloom aluminum can (heirluminum) hangs from the 1,000,000˚ radiator affixed to the ceiling of the family room, proudly collecting drops of condensation.

If you somehow fall asleep on the loveseat, despite it being almost physically impossible since it is the size of a pack of playing cards, don’t worry about accidentally sleeping too long because this room comes equipped with an alarm clock. Well not an “alarm clock” per se… More like an exceptionally horrible teenage boy who likes to play video games at an alarming volume at all hours of the night, all the while swearing at the top of his lungs with every breath and inexplicably stomping his feet. Perhaps this child actually has Coprolalia(often wrongfully confused with Tourette's Syndrome), the condition which makes one uncontrollably shout obscene and derogatory remarks, though I feel it's more likely that he suffers from being really brutal at video games. As a tenant in this apartment suite you get the enjoyment and/or excruciatingly stressful experience of playing video games all day and night without even having to own or play the games yourself!

You’re probably wondering what’s up with the closet door and doorways being all askew? Well the unorthodox angles on the corners of these doors and frames are a part of the circus funhouse motif that is present in the living room and throughout most of the apartment suite. Though it doesn’t say anything about it in the lease, I’ve come to the conclusion that since the building was built in the oh let's say late 1800’s, when PT Barnum and his travelling circus were all the rage, the building’s architects must have decided to capitalize on the circus trend with this chic funhouse design. Either that or an exceptionally drunk and visually impaired carpenter was employed for the job with only a hacksaw at his disposal. Either way, these obtusely angled doorways act as wonderful conversation pieces. I  have personally enjoyed a variety of conversations beginning with inquiries about them such as, "Hey, why are your doorways so shitty?" and "Jesus, these doorways are really built like big pieces of shit."

 

Next time in the third and final installment of this series we'll take a look at the bathroom and the bedroom. In one of these rooms poos happen, but you'll have to wait find out which one!